Wayward Witchy MS Warrior

EDIT: Rereading this, I realize that it appears as if my current family and friends have been unsupportive of my battle thus far. This is the furthest from the truth. They have been there for me, held me, let me cry, researched with me, gone to every doctor’s appointment. They just appeared to grow weary of this ol’ Momma’s struggles and (in my mind) wondered if it was all in my head. I feel and accept their love, reciprocate it, and we are a tight-knit clan. But like any family, there are problems, and I am sure I was one of them. But never did I wonder if their love and support for me wavered. I just wanted to make that clear before you read on.

I am a witch living in the western United States. My magical name is Obsidia Musette Sage. I am a wife, mother, fur baby mom, and certifiably crazy. Recently I found out that I am also an MS Warrior.

This column is about my achievements, struggles, emotions, and experiences, all both mundane and magical, as a Wayward Witchy MS Warrior. My intentions are to follow the treatment plans laid out by my conventional doctors as well as supplement those treatments with witchcraft and other methods of healing. I want other witches to know that it is okay to follow traditional medicine while encouraging healing using magic, so I intend to chronicle my journey as a reference for other witchy MS warriors.

A Little Backstory

I was born and raised on the East coast. When I was 17 I moved to Nevada and fell in love with the high desert of the Great Basin. Don’t get me wrong – I miss my beaches and forests, but the beauty of the sagebrush, western mountain ranges, and wild mustangs pulls on my heartstrings.

I met my husband in Nevada and we married when I was only 18. We have a fascinating courtship story, but that’s for another time. We have three children now – two we came by naturally, meaning I gave birth to them. The third married our younger daughter a couple of years ago. We are working on a fourth – he swears he will marry our older daughter. As far as I’m concerned, he’s already my son, he just doesn’t know it yet.

The Here and Now

My hubs, let’s call him G, and I live in rural Nevada. Our kids live here, too. Our two younger ones, L & B, live with us. Life is hard for young married couples just starting out. Our older daughter, D, has moved around, but finally settled here in our hometown and lives with her boyfriend, K. They are at our home a lot, so we always have a crowd, especially when you consider the five fur babies who also reside here.

Ahhh, the fur babies. They are my heart. I’ll delve into them later. Just know that my dog is the most loyal dog I’ve ever known. She is my familiar and she helps me get my magical stuff done. My little kitty, whom I was never supposed to have, holds the key to my soul. They both have helped me through the darkest of times.

Like being “sick” for over a decade, for example. I’ve had different ailments present themselves, then disappear just as quickly. More on all that later, too. It’s important to remember that my family, friends, and medical professionals all thought I was crazy(er) at one point or another. I know it was not just my paranoia talking when I suspected certain individuals of thinking I was a hypochondriac, or exaggerating symptoms, or even making illnesses up. I was finally diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis last month, March 2021. My mysterious ailments suddenly just made so much sense. It is like all the puzzle pieces finally fell into place. I finally feel vindicated, like I can point my finger, laugh, and say, “Eff you! I TOLD you I did not make this shit up!” Although, even though I finally have an answer, it does not mean I am happy about it.

More Backstory

More on me – In general, I am naïve, a pushover, willing to please, but yet suspicious, paranoid, anxious, and bitter. Thus, I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder 20some years ago. That means that I have the components of schizophrenia AND bipolar disorder. Yay me! I am also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder – thanks mothers! – so I have serious issues with abandonment and self-assurance as well as the perks and drawbacks of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was a vicious struggle for the past 20 years. It strains my marriage, my family relationships, and other relationships. I lost relationships that I had my entire life because others did not understand me. I did not understand the burden I put on them, either. It hurts, but I try to look at those lost loves as lessons learned.

Until this point, I trained my family to believe that I was the resident healer, fetcher, fixer, cooker, cleaner, teacher, and much more. I was trained to believe I was all these things from a young age (thank you, stepmonster!). I wish I was exaggerating when I say my stepmother made me handle the physical care of the home and children and subjected me to emotional and verbal abuse as well. Before you ask, my father didn’t put a stop to it because he didn’t know about it. He worked a lot so that we had everything my stepmother thought we needed. I was terrified of her, so I didn’t tell him what went on. I moved to Nevada, my stepmother divorced him, and she was long gone when I finally felt comfortable talking to my dad about the part of my childhood he missed.

Back to the Present Day

Yeah, my childhood messed me up, caused me a lot of trauma, and my husband (and a ton of therapists!) help me work through a lot of it. As a matter of fact, I’m still in therapy. However, my childhood story is in the past. The takeaway is that I still think I need to be that kind of caretaker for my current family. The truth is, I don’t. My kids are grown and completely capable of caring for themselves. My husband is also quite competent and able to take care of himself. They all are, in fact, talented enough to take care of their poor ol’ Momma, if need be.

Self-Preservation is a Virtue

Today’s Tarot Card of the Day (CotD) was the Four of Wands: respite, relaxation, taking a step back. This needs to happen more often. I CANNOT POUR FROM AN EMPTY CUP. Caring for my family is impossible if I cannot care for myself. This is a hard pill to swallow, especially when one is trained to be a caretaker. My therapist is helping me understand that it is perfectly okay to ask for and receive help. Accepting help is not a sign of weakness. However, not being an MS Warrior because I am too weak and too stubborn to ask for help is. That’s more like being an MS Victim. I REFUSE TO BE A VICTIM. Some people tell me I am the strongest person they know. I usually don’t feel that way. Sometimes I feel like the most fragile person on the face of the earth. On those days I have to remember this quote:

Being a Wayward Witchy MS Warrior means that I plan to continue to work through my illnesses with witchcraft, conventional medicine, and a little bit of everything else. I don’t always know what I am doing and not everything is always coming up Aces, but my intentions are almost always positive. I want to feel better, I want to think coherently, and I want to see more clearly. Most importantly, I want to be the best witch, wife, mom, and MS Warrior that I can be. Here’s to wandering waywardly!

Goddess and God, grant me the power of Water to accept with ease and grace what I cannot change, the power of Fire for the energy of courage to change the things I can, the power of Air for the ability to know the difference, and the power of Earth for the strength to continue my path.